I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I am midnight drunk by noon
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
