I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
