The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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