I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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