I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
