i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
