you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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