Well douche your snatch and let's go!
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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