My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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