Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
