I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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