8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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