I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
