I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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