We're facebook friends in real life
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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