I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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