remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
