I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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