1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
