omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
this is amy. the small petlike person from the womens bathroom at the reef.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
