So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize