I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
