He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
