Got a toothbrush?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
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