Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
