I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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