I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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