Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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