is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
