so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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