My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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