Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It's official drugs can't kill me
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
