We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
