I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
