I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
