I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
