You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
