Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
