I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
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