Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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