This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
