I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
