i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
