New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Two words: nipple clamps
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