break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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