I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
