I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
