I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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