My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
thus making me awesome and them whores
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
