My Higher Power is John Stamos
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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