My room smells like vodka and shame
Soap is not a condiment
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
