My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
