Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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