he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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