Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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