remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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