I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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