Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
