Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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