I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
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